


Then First Time

by stuckinthegrey



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, depresssed!zayn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-19
Updated: 2013-06-19
Packaged: 2017-12-15 11:58:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/849304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuckinthegrey/pseuds/stuckinthegrey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Zayn literally shuts himself off, Niall is there for him. When Zayn is alone, Niall is still there for him. When Zayn is hurting, Niall's still there. When Zayn breaks down, Niall's still fucking there. Scratch that, Niall is always fucking there for Zayn. #2</p>
            </blockquote>





	Then First Time

The first time Niall notices the changes in Zayn, it is at a take me home concert in Mexico.

Niall is carefree, he doesn't really put that much thought into things, but he is smart. He notices a lot of things that other people don't, and it is one of his favourite quirks about himself. He is observant, not really talking but silently judging; he watches with huge amounts of concentration, not asking but assuming by himself.

Most of his assumptions are usually right.

Now, at the center of the stage, he watches as Zayn sings his high note in _Rock Me_ flawlessly, the fans erupting into cheers. He doesn't wave or thank the fans like he used to, though, doesn't encourage them to sing along, and Niall wonders how he hasn't noticed this drastic change before.

He sees so many differences, how his smiles are forced and how the happiness doesn't reach his eyes.

Zayn smokes, a lot more than he did before. Whenever they are out of work he always has a cigarette in his mouth, and Niall wants nothing more than to curse at the disgusting thing and break it in half. Niall doesn't smoke, he thinks it's a waste of time, money, and it also ruins health so it isn't worth it for him.

Niall doesn't want Zayn to smoke, and he tries multiple times to stop him but the tanned lad doesn't budge. He says that he appreciates his help but he can't stop because it's his only way of escape, that it relaxes him, and even though his words aren't clear, Niall understands. He always understands.

Infact, this is probably the only time he doesn't.

Zayn's lost weight; his body is literally bones, his legs half the size of Niall's. His cheekbones have lost all the fat, his shirts all but hanging on his shoulders, his fingers long and bony, and Niall is worried. He doesn't know why this is happening.

Zayn's lost his smile; his genuine smile that reaches his eyes and makes them twinkle with happiness. He's lost his humour, he's lost his ability to join in with the group and just converse happily, he's lost his laugh and his openness.

This Zayn is isolated, this Zayn has built a shell and is hiding, this Zayn doesn't talk as much as the old Zayn, doesn't laugh as much, this Zayn is different from the old Zayn and he decides that he doesn't like this Zayn.

He wants the old Zayn back, and he'll do anything to get him back.

_(he is determined.)_

-

The first time Niall asks Zayn what's troubling him, they are in the tour bus, both sitting together at the back. Harry and Louis are too busy wrestling in the seats infront of them, and Liam and the rest of the band are trying to get them to stop (as hard as it is in the small, cramped bus).

Zayn is smoking, his eyes distant, paying no attention to what the hell is going on, and for a second Niall wonders what he is thinking of. He lays back on his seat, trying to gather up the courage to question the lad while the other boys don't notice.

"Zayn," Niall calls. Zayn doesn't budge.

"Zayn," he says again. He still doesn't respond, staring into thin air.

"Zayn!" he hisses, with a little more force this time and finally, the boy turns to Niall. He looks a little annoyed and irritated, almost as if he was just awakened from a peaceful dream that he had been enjoying. Niall sighs.

"What's wrong?" He asks, his voice low, laced with worry and it falters at the end. Zayn is not at all fazed by the warm touch to his voice, or the way his baby blue eyes are full of concern.

"Nothing," he answers, simply and returns to smoking. His face is indifferent, careless, and Niall is deeply hurt by the gesture. His doesn't show it or keep pestering him to speak his mind though, because the rest of the boys also seem to notice the tension at the back of the bus.

He turns away, and watches the shifting and blurred images of the surroundings through the window.

_(he spots Nando's.)_

-

The first time Niall witnesses Zayn's angry, aggressive side, they are at the BBC studio in Shepard's Bush, recording their new album. They sing, together, flawlessly, their voices complementing eachother, and Niall is just about to get lost in the moment when a loud noise (he recognises as Zayn's ringtone) interrupts them.

Zayn sighs, annoyed, and fishes his phone out of his pockets. He looks at their manager for any sign of irritation, but when he nods at him instead he heads to the doors, lifting his arm in the air as a thanks.

Everyone takes a deep breathe, relieved to finally get some sort of break and Niall mutters: "I'll go get a drink," and follows Zayn outside. He doesn't mean to spy or eavesdrop on him, but what he hears makes him gasp.

"What the fuck? I'm busy Perrie, you can't expect me to fucking spend every second of the day with you!" He growls, violently motioning with his hands and Niall peeks out behind the wall, trying desperately not to be caught.

"What do you mean I'm not putting enough effort into this relationship?" By now, passer bys are sending him strange looks as he rages into the phone. His body is shaking and he glares at anything, anything he can see.

If only looks could kill.

"I'm on tour nearly 9 months a year, if you haven't noticed. I'm already stressed as it is, I don't need your shit." He takes the phone away from his ear and hangs up, and Niall realises what exactly he is doing so he composes himself, tries not to look too guilty and walks out into the sunny atmosphere.

He looks at Zayn but he is still glaring, and Niall winces.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong." He hisses. He shoves Niall's shoulder as he speed walks into the building, and Niall tries his best to hold the tears in.

Never in a million years has Niall ever thought that Zayn would look at him like that, with such venom and hate and disturbance, and even though he knows that look is not directed to him, something inside him breaks a little.

_(probably his heart.)_

-

The first time that Niall realises Zayn is slowly coming out of his shell, they are at the park playing football. It is a day off for them, and they decide that they want some fresh air and maybe a little time to chill out and have fun.

Of course, when the boys think of inviting Zayn, they know he'll decline, passing the phone to eachother, too scared to even talk to him. The problem has reached an extent to which they are too intimidated to even ask their moody team mate out to a game of footie.

So Niall, being the hero of heroes, steps in, bracing himself for the harsh words of rejection that await him but surprisingly, Zayn accepts. He actually seems a bit excited about the event too.

In less than no time, the five of them are kicking the ball to eachother, having a laugh. It is the first time Zayn isn't smoking, and Niall doesn't know if he is relieved by that or shocked. Or both.

Since they are only five members, Louis is in goal and Harry and Liam are on a team against Niall and Zayn. Harry plays well, and as soon as he scores the first goal, he jumps onto Liam's back and they both start jumping around and celebrating.

"Dumb fucks, them lot." Zayn says, shaking his head fondly and somehow, Niall doesn't miss the slight quirk to his lips. He hasn't really been expecting this, for Zayn to initiate a conversation much less talk about how idiotic their band mates are. Suddenly, Niall's eyes are filled with hope.

Zayn is awake, away for his dream world, paying attention to what's going around him and just there. Niall can't ask for anything better. It's just nice, he thinks, that he might finally see Zayn as himself again.

He only just laughs a little in response, and Zayn is smiling as if though he doesn't even know he is amused, as if his long lost smile is finally back. Niall doesn't want to break the moment, his heart swelling at the look on the lad's face, and he figures that maybe, just maybe the old Zayn is on his way back.

(he hopes so.)

-

He's decided that his least favourite thing about Zayn is how independent he gets, how he doesn't rely on anyone and how he knows that he needs all the help he can get, but he still doesn't budge. Niall would help him (he honestly doesn't know how, but he would), offer all the comfort in the word, but he really can't seeing as how closed off Zayn is.

Sometimes he thinks it's stupid, how Zayn is such a firm believer in things and how he only plays by the rules (rules that he's made for himself - that don't even exist). If only once, Zayn would loosen up and stop punishing himself, things could maybe turn out well.

_(his wish is granted.)_

-

The first time Zayn breaks down infront of Niall, they are in a fucking toilet stool.

It is another day off, and they are at dinner (and they should be) having the time of their lives. Niall's noticed that Zayn participates more with the group's activities, and the rest of the boys seem to have noticed too because they always offer him everything, always try to include him and things are finally getting better.

He still isn't the same as before. Sometimes Niall looks at Zayn to find him staring straight ahead, lost in his own world. He knows that Zayn is just thinking, but thinking is what made Niall lose him and the blond decides that he hates thinking.

Thankfully, the restaurant isn't too crowded for any fans to be there. It's isolated, empty almost but Niall figures that he rather enjoys the calm feeling to the dimly lit place, and the slow background music humming in his ear (even though he can barely hear it due to Louis' loud, loud chattering).

" -dude she was literally checking my ass out and eye fucking me. I was gonna walk over to her when Harry just had to yank me away, and he still doesn't want to admit he was jealous. I mean-"

"I wasn't jealous." Harry cuts in, but Louis gives him a disbelieving, almost mocking look.

"See, that's what I mean. He keeps denying it." He informs the rest of the boys, but no one is really listening except Niall; Liam is busy texting someone under the table and judging from the stupid grin on his face, it's probably Danielle. Zayn, on the other hand, is zoning out into his dream world, his eyes half lidded and Niall, yet again, finds himself thinking about what is going on in that thick head of his.

He sighs, partly from frustration and maybe boredom, too. The food still has yet to come.

Louis shakes his head and turns back to Harry. "Yes, you totally were. I mean, you wouldn't even let me approach her let alone talk-"

"She had some sort of dangerous vibe to her." Harry says, trying to act nonchalant about the whole thing but failing miserably.

Harry and Louis had some sort of chemistry. Whenever they fought (which was like, once a year) they would always make up in less than a few hours; they just understood eachother so well, they were inseparable - something Niall could almost say he was jealous of.

Suddenly, a sharp ringing noise rips through the air which makes Liam look up abruptly and Louis and Harry shut their mouths (for once). From his casual stalking (he really doesn't want to call it that, but it is what he does) Niall's found out that Zayn has a different ringtone for his girlfriend, Perrie. The sound isn't pleasant at all, more forceful and loud, booming and Niall doesn't like it (he isn't too fond of the girl, either).

So when Zayn excuses himself, the blond gets up after exactly a minute, fully planning to follow him but a hand on his wrist halts his movements. Louis and Harry are back to arguing rather loudly again to notice anything that's going on, and Niall is surprised to find himself face to face with Liam, looking at him intently.

"What is it?" Niall asks, gently tugging his hand off.

"Don't go after him," Liam says. He doesn't want to get the other boys' attention so he speaks quietly.

"Why not?"

"Don't you think you've done enough prying in his life?" He asks, a little more forceful this time and Niall finally realises that Liam's been keeping tabs on both him and Zayn. He shouldn't be surprised, really, Liam is just as much as a silent observer as Niall is, but Liam chooses to act on it when it's necessary while Niall takes everything into his own hands.

"He might need me."

Niall gives him a pleading look, begging him to understand that he has to be there for Zayn, not only because Zayn might need him, but also because Niall needs the satisfaction of knowing that he's alright.

Liam gives him a doubtful look, but let's him go nonetheless, whispering, "Don't do something that you'll regret."

Niall nods, and he doesn't look back as he speed walks to the men's toilets.

"I won't."

When he reaches the bathrooms, all of the stand are unoccupied except one, right at the back. The whole place is empty, and Niall watches himself through the mirrors on the wall as he walks cautiously to the end.

He is about to knock when the door opens, and what he sees surprises him the most. Nothing can compare to the astonishment and hurt he feels at that second, and he is speechless, perhaps for the first time in his life as the sight shocks him into silence.

Zayn's eyes are red, his hair is a mess and his nose looks bigger than normal. There are dried tear stains on his cheeks, and Niall wonders just how long he's been in there, and what the fuck happened to him to cause him to look like that.

Niall doesn't speak, but he opens his arms and wraps them around Zayn's shoulders. Zayn instantly tenses, and he struggles to get Niall off of him but then he just slumps down and relaxes, realising that Niall won't budge even if he tries.

They stay like that for a while, just standing there with Zayn's head tucked into Niall's neck. He rubs his hand over Zayn's back, silently laughing at the irony of someone else's face nuzzled into the crook of his neck, when usually he's the one who does that in hugs.

After about 5 minutes or so, Niall pulls back, holding Zayn by the shoulders, silently thanking the Gods up there for no one being out there to hear them.

"What's wrong?" He says, quickly adding, "And no, Zayn, you are not giving me a shitty 'nothing' in response, or pushing me away, because I am not leaving until you tell me what's wrong."

Zayn tries to grin, but it comes out more like a squeeze of his face. "I wasn't planning to," he whispers, softly.

They stay silent for a while, and Niall knows that this time, Zayn will finally let him in. He just needs a few seconds to sort out his words.

"I... Perrie-" Niall visibly cringes at the name, "-she... broke up with me. Over a _phone_. Over a _fucking phone._ "

"Over a fucking _phone_ ," Niall repeats.

Zayn doesn't reply. Instead, there are more tears gathering at the side of his eyes and Niall pushes Zayn to him again, letting him cry on his shoulder. He should've done this a long time ago, Niall thinks, he should've let someone in to just scream and cry, because Zayn deserves it.

Niall was never too fond of the Perrie girl, but he'd never thought that she would stoop so low as to breaking up with Zayn over a _fucking phone_. He'd always get funny vibes off of her, perhaps he thought that she was using him, or maybe Niall felt that she really didn't like Zayn as much as she claimed.

"I always thought she was a bitch," Niall says, venom laced in his words. Zayn tries to laugh, but it's more of a sob-chuckle-cry thing.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asks, looking up at Niall with big, wide, eyes. It sucks, really, how something like this could make Zayn so vulnerable and fragile.

If he wasn't too fond of her before, he fucking _hates_ her now. That's saying something because it isn't really easy for Niall to hate people, either.

"I guess I didn't want to hurt you," he says softly, stroking Zayn's cheek. "She was the only thing that made you happy when we never could and I thought you deserved that bit of happiness."

"I'm sorry."

Niall's eyes widen just a bit, "For what?"

"For being such an asshole," he answers, resting his forehead on Niall's collarbones. "You guys, you would always try to help me... especially you and I - I would just act like a bastard about it. God what was I _thinking_ -"

"No." Niall says, firmly shoving him back. He doesn't like this Zayn either. This apologising Zayn. The old Zayn never apologised even if he was wrong.

"Don't say sorry, Zayn. I just, we all just wanted to see you smile again. You've been out of it for so long and you've lost so much weight and I just, you're so different and I want you back. I just want the normal you back, the old you." Nialls gushes. He feels embarrassed, speaking his mind but it's the only way for this to work.

The tension is long gone. Niall and Zayn are both comfortable together. There is no snapping, no irritation and annoyance. Just peaceful silence, contentment, and calmness.

"Just promise me," Niall whispers, holding Zayn closer to him, breathing in his familiar scent, "Promise me that you'll try, that you'll enjoy life and not live in a shell like a _fucking_ snail-" Zayn half heartedly laughs a little, "-that you'll smile a real smile for me. Promise me that you won't be strong for me, or for us, or for you."

"Promise me that you'll be strong with me, with us. Together."

Zayn smiles. "I promise." He says without hesitation.

Niall hugs him again, breathing into his familiar scent, not capable of wiping that stupid grin off his face.

( _he doesn't know why he feels so victorious_.)

-

The first time Zayn kisses Niall, they're at their last take me home concert in Melbourne. Niall loves it in Australia; probably because the people there are always so welcoming, or maybe it's the strong Aussie accents he hears everywhere. He doesn't really know.

The arena is huge, crowds of fans are cheering and Niall is hit with that familiar nauseous feeling. He's just so lucky to be here; it's not everyday that people randomly audition for the X Factor and end up being a member of the biggest boyband in the world, which is why he genuinely loves his jobs, loves his fans, and he never takes anything for granted.

He then averts his eyes to Zayn, only to find that familiar look of awe and admiration on his face. He's smiling softly, shaking his head to the beat of _Kiss You_ as he sings his solo. Niall starts his bit then, and then both of them are embracing in the midst of the stage.  
  
" _Baby be mine tonight, mine tonight, baby be mine tonight yeah._ "

Suddenly, Zayn kisses him, right on the lips, which leaves Niall staring into space, Zayn grinning boyishly, and Louis wolf-whistling into the microphone. The crowd start cheering and shouting, some of them at the front row are literally just _screaming_ at the top their lungs, which causes Niall to wince and snap out of his trance.

"Give it up for Niall!" Zayn shouts into the microphone with a cheeky grin after he lets go, and finally, Niall is sure, _100%_ sure that the old Zayn Malik is back.

But then the old Zayn didn't really kiss him on the lips on stage, so Niall thinks that this Zayn is a whole lot better then the old Zayn.

Niall grins.

( _life's good_.)

-

**Author's Note:**

> i saw a recent picture of zayn the other day, and it just made me think about how much he's physically changed, and, well, this came I guess. For once, I actally don't think it's too bad, so yeah????? tell me what you thought :)


End file.
